Guess I’ll just swallow my feelings

Maybe this is just a lesson to me that next time I feel bad I shouldn’t tell you about it.

Freewrite

Today was extremely exhausting and busy. Going to write about it because there are things I need to remember for later/hash out.

Woke up at 9:00 am even though I was supposed to wake up at 8:30 since I ended up sleeping at around 5ish and it was very hard to fall asleep with light streaming in through your windows. I didn’t sleep well at all. Along with stressful dreams, I just couldn’t shake this feeling that something bad was happening. Could just be my “intuition” going awry again but ultimately I’m still a bit bothered by it.

Went to my first day of ticket distribution and got to work the donut for the first time ever! It was pretty relaxing as the usual traffic of people don’t come to the donut. I helped out a few people and saw a couple of graduating friends! Also picked up my own tickets (perks of working the ticket booth = not having to wait in line!). Need to remember to pick up academic attire on a day I’m staying late though.

I left on time from ticket distribution to go help out MR with some stuff. She had a LOT of stuff that had to be done…and I only finished like one thing because I could only stay for around an hour before I had to go to my review session for Investments. SO stressed out because this class doesn’t make sense….

Oh yeah, I realized a few days ago that my graphing calculator is missing ><”. So after picking up convocation tickets, I headed over to N’s house to borrow his calculator for my final tomorrow. On the way over I fell asleep on the train and had a very hard time waking up. I also saw a cat playing with her kitten across the street from N’s house which was nice.

Went home and ate dinner with the parents and then napped until TEN! Three hours gone =(. Decided that even though I have a leadership and investments final tomorrow, I needed to get started on my tourism slides because the assignment looks mad long and annoying. Started researching my country of choice and realized I should have picked something easier maybe.

SIGHH! Tomorrow doesn’t look any better because I have to meet with my leadership group to work on our final first thing in the morning (this also means I am cutting AR like the 19203940234th time in a row…but I can’t bring myself to care at this point). Then I have to either work more on slides/START CRAMMING INVESTMENTS AHH! Oh and on top of that, I need to follow up with MR work….and still remember that I started helping SP earlier last week. Not really sure who takes priority but MR’s message made it look like she expected me to help her first. I guess I’ll just give SP all of Thursday (aka the end of most of my finals).

I also constantly forget that I have ticket distribution shifts. That wouldn’t be so bad as long as I don’t get greeter duty. Ideally I’d be working at the donut again so that way I can cram and work at the same time. SIGH! Maybe I’ll leave early if I have to.

Okay so onto the rehashing. I don’t really know why I have this bad gut feeling about ____. Even though you constantly reassure me that nothing has ever happened or will ever happen, a part of me still worries a bit. Part of me doesn’t even know why I still think something bad is going to happen with this when it should be long buried in the past. I’ve talked to you about it a few times in the past too and usually after we talk through it, I fume a bit but then I usually move on from it overnight/the next day. But today I just didn’t get that feeling at all. Instead I just started feeling nervous again. And I really dislike this type of nervous because it reminds me a lot of how I used to feel when you first met her.

Okay I don’t know. Maybe things will be better after I get some rest/done with finals and papers. I don’t know. I just have to try to minimize idle thinking time because every time my thoughts drift I just end up thinking about stuff that makes me sad/mad/unhappy. SIGH.

On another note, Wawa (the world’s best cat in every category!) just crawled into bet with me! Instant cheer-up! =)

Strange

So the other night, after I told you I didn’t want you to talk to her again, I dreamt that you went behind my back and did it anyway.

And then I took a cup of hot coffee and spilled it over her head and your shirt because I knew you didn’t like coffee.

You tried to save your shirt with a bunch of napkins but the stain just kept growing bigger and bigger. And then you looked at me with this annoyed expression and walked away. 

I woke up wondering what I would actually do if this happened, but I think no matter what, you’d still end up annoyed because we seem to have this conversation over and over again. So I decided to just keep it to myself, even though you were right with me when I woke up.